It is said that economists know the cost of everything but value of nothing. If all parents were economists, life would be much simpler, we’d simply weigh everything against the cost and decide. But parenting and for that matter, leadership doesn’t work that way.
I wrote about this around fifteen years ago that keeps coming up time and again at work.
It was late. My daughter, who was five at the time, was being tucked in the bed. And just as sleep was about to take her, she said:
"Oh, I'm so sleepy… but there are so many things I want to talk to you about."
Between that sentence and my reply was a two-second lag.
I had an assignment deadline a few hours away (was doing an Online MBA then). I needed her to sleep so I could just get to ‘it’. And my mind, by default, was already composing the lines that pop up: "Just a minute." Or "It's time to sleep, we'll talk tomorrow." Or, the worst one "Yes…" listening, talking without my eyes, without looking up!
Had I said any of those, she would've crashed in the next few seconds or so.
There was an immediate tangible cost of delayed and potentially poor quality assignment.
But what my daughter had said was no ordinary line. That’s the golden line I guess every father would want to hear, “I want to talk to you about so many things.”
I thought: she's coming to me when she's five. I want her to come to me when she's fifteen. When she's twenty-five. Isn't that the whole job? Compounded returns on every prior investment.
So I slid down the pillow. Looked right in her eyes and said "Let's talk."
I wrote that story in 2011 and categorized it under parenting.
A few weeks back, one of guys in the team came to me in the middle of an already packed day. Almost nonchalantly said something to this effect - "I've been thinking about whether this is still the right role for me."
Two-second lag.
It was already 3 in the afternoon, had three more calls to do and some numbers on excel that needed to be sent. Similar build up happening, just in a different setting.
I could’ve so easily said "Okay..let's find some proper time and talk about it.” Professional. Managed. But perhaps a polite door shut in his face.
What I heard was not the person in my team but my daughter.
Not the words obviously, but the feeling of it. That's no ordinary line. That's someone choosing to come to you, often just once, and indirectly saying that something’s not quite right underneath. And you either meet it or you don't.
I think parenting and managing people are not similar jobs, they are the same job.
Both are governed by fuzzy warm values that resist the cost-benefit analysis. Well, deep below. On the surface we may appear to be objective and logical. Both ask you to weigh immediate tangible cost of the deadline, the disruption, the blocked calendar against long-term value that is invisible right now but can become enormous later.
Both are fundamentally about one thing: are you the person they come to?
And in both, you don't get many chances to answer that question.
We've built management systems that think like economists, knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Tracking output, utilisation, productivity, attrition and what not - all evaluating stuff against cost structure and giving little attention to what doesn't translate into numbers.
But people are not economists about themselves. They have one question underneath all the other questions: does this person actually see me?
I think that two-second window is where that gets answered.
Ctrl+Alt+Del Enter. Got up and started walking with him to the coffee area and said "tell me more".
It was not that I could fix anything but about hearing the person out, heart to heart. Something was bothering someone and I gave it my full attention. We discussed and deliberated. Gave it its due credit that it deserved.
He's still in the role. But that's not the point. The point is he came to me.
Someone who feels genuinely met today, not managed, not processed, but actually met - that investment is sort of invisible, can’t be measured and probably will never become evident.
High ratings are great, but broadly speaking, the real keepers are the people who still come to you, or rather feel safe enough to bring you problems instead of hiding them. If your team stops telling you what’s wrong, it usually means they’ve stopped caring or they don't trust you to fix it.
Companies can track your time, your output, your efficiency etc. But no measure, no pulse survey can track the moment a person decides you are no longer worth talking to.
The next time someone approaches you with a ‘small’ problem in the middle of a busy day, remember those two seconds. You aren't just choosing between a task and a conversation. You are choosing whether that person will ever come to you again.
An economist would tell you to finish the report and protect your time. But as a parent or a leader, your time is only as valuable as the trust it builds. Pay the immediate cost. The long-term value of being the person they come to is the metric that will pay dividends in ways you can’t even imagine.
But did I say every time? I am more guilty than not!